she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Randomize
