i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
