in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
