Banned from zoo.
Again?
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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