I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
