Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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