If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
