I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
