I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
