It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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