My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
