Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
