I got chris browned last night
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
