i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
