I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
