i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
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