I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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