It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
