we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
