how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize