before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
