sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
