So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize