So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
