Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
