my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
