the new term for farting is butt boxing.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
