Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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