Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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