i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
and she was petting her beer can
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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