who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
