Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
