I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
