It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize