Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
And then my night got REAL pukey
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
