Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
