So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Rumble strips road head = magical
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
