It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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