What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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