In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
