i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
