You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize