Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
