Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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