neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
