i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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