You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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