p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Randomize
