dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
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