i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
as a side note pls kill me
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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