I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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