last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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