drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
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