Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize