This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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